Wistful Thinking
by AngelineL
Summary: Kaoru's been thinking about a certain redhead...again. What happens when something has been listening into her thoughts? Oneshot


AN: This is written as an answer to the 2006 MM (dot) org Summer Make A Wish contest. This is a couple of firsts for me. First time I ever entered a fanfic contest. First time I wrote for this particular anime. First time I think I wrote in first person. Whew, you'd think this would be the first time I wrote anything! Well, not quite.

Just a quick note about Kenshin-speak, I'm not all that familiar with Japanese grammar, let alone Kenshin's complex pattern of speaking, so I stuck with the dreaded "that it is" as used in the anime. Don't hate me!

I have also changed my email, it is now angeline . lebron at g mail (dot) com, feel free to drop me a line! (Remove spaces)

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin nor am I affiliated with anyone that might own Rurouni Kenshin. But if I wish really, really hard and am a really, really good girl, do you think I'll get Kenshin for my birthday?

Wistful Thinking

Dragonflies flickering in the lazy summer heat; the wind rustling through dry ground. I hate summer. I hate the way my kimono would stick to my body, uncomfortable and unlady-like. I already had more then enough problems in that department. I really didn't need an entire season just to emphasize my lack of grace.

I wish summer never existed.

Yahiko had been complaining of the heat and since I wasn't feeling particularly industrious either I had called a halt to our training as we sat down with a plate of mochi and some cooled tea. Kenshin made the mochi, I at least made the tea.

Kenshin.

The red-haired rurouni sat with his elbows deep in soapsuds. I suppose the water itself would be cool, but sitting there under the hot sun wasn't likely to be pleasant at all. When I had pointed this fact out, he had merely brushed me off with a wave of a soapy hand. I hate that smile of his; so pleasant, so alluring and so very empty. I hated the way he hid behind a simple pull of facial muscles. Just like that, he was so far away from me, I didn't know if I could ever reach him.

I wish he'd stop smiling like that.

"Oi busu! Would you quit staring at Kenshin already? Your face really can't stand to have any added wrinkles you know."

Shooting a glare at my baka-deshi, I briefly entertained the thought of hitting him with my shinai. That would actually require me to lift my arm to take hold of the shinai in the first place. Mou.

"Heh, it's not like Kenshin would ever look at you like _that_ anyway B-U-S-U. God knows how many beautiful women Kenshin's had."

Ouch. The boy certainly had keen powers of observation. Sometimes I thought Yahiko was far too worldly to be a boy of eleven. Maybe he was really a wizened old gnome hiding underneath young skin. I hated the way he would shoot out some thoughtless comment that would just pierce right through me.

I wish Yahiko would just stop talking!

"Mou! What do you know about it anyway Yahiko-chan?"

"I am not a little kid! Stop calling me that!"

I stuck my tongue out at him, "I can call you whatever I want Yahiko-_chan_!"

The boy growled in frustration, "Shut up busu!"

"Make me, brat!"

"Maa, maa. There is no need for you to argue, that there isn't."

He spoke to me! Be still my heart! "It's too hot for this anyway. Want some tea Kenshin?"

"Yes please Kaoru-dono." He smiled that wonderful smile I hate.

Funny how one thinks of the oddest things. Thoughts should be private; thoughts often shouldn't be acted upon. That's why people think right? Isn't there some invisible barrier with a clerk sitting in our minds that process the thoughts we think and determine whether they get given a passport to our mouth? I used to imagine my little mind-clerk as a wizened old lady with a wicked tongue. Then I met Megumi-san. My little mind-clerk looks an awful lot like her these days.

Had I known that my little mind-clerk had a visitor, I wouldn't dare think of anything at all. Then again, if my little mind-clerk really is Megumi-san, maybe I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was.

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The scorching summer heat seemed to have turned into an absolute heat-wave; relentless and increasing in intensity. So when Sanosuke suggested that we all head down to the beach the next day I was more then ready to go. I was already imagining the cooling breeze over my skin, the water lapping at my toes. Kenshin might like to go for a dip. That would be nice, I can stare at him all I want to if he was taking a dip…

Mou! Bad Kaoru! Thinking such inappropriate things about the poor rurouni! What did he ever do to deserver this lechery?

Sneaking a glance at his profile, I remembered the way his eyes would flash golden whenever he got angered. It sent chills down my spine.

I suddenly shivered again. Was it…getting cold?

Our merry little group were all talking rather animatedly. Sanosuke had invited Dr. Genzai and his granddaughters, both were attached to Kenshin like little leeches, one on each of his legs. He was laughing at their antics while balancing the basket which contained our picnic on one arm. Megumi had been invited as well and she now sidled up to Kenshin, shamelessly flirting. Yahiko was walking not far behind, arms thrown back over his head, the picture of care-free youth as he talked up a storm with Sano.

Not one of them was shivering.

I could feel my skin prickling with the cold and I began to rub my arm through the sleeve of my kimono. I never noticed how flimsy the material was before now. Looking at the group again something suddenly struck me. I could feel a cold breeze rushing past my body and rustling my clothes, yet the wind didn't disturb a single hair on Kenshin's head.

What on earth was going on?

I was so preoccupied with my thoughts and the eerie chill that was racking my body that I didn't notice that Kenshin had stopped walking and was waiting for me, until I almost ran face first into his chest. My toe caught on a rock and I was so startled by the appearance of Kenshin's chest in such close proximity that I stumbled, right into his waiting arms.

"Oro! Kaoru-dono, are you alright?"

He reached out a hand to steady me against his body and as I looked up into concerned amethyst eyes, I felt the warmth ebb back into my body. "I'm fine Kenshin. I was just thinking."

I fought down the blush that I knew was trying to take control of my face and set it alight in a wash of very unflattering red.

He peered down at me and I fought the urge to tear my gaze away from his.

"Sessha thinks that you should take more care Kaoru-dono that I do." Gently righting me, Kenshin let his hands drop from my arms.

Now why did I suddenly feel cold again?

"Uh, Kenshin, let me help you with that basket." Impulsively, I reached for the basket, but he was too fast for me and yanked it out of my reach. My fingers brushed against the back of his hand and I felt warmth surge through the contact.

"Oh no, Kaoru-dono, you must allow sessha to carry this. It's not very heavy and you must not task yourself with it." He smiled at me.

I felt cold again. Blinking, I stared at my fingers. Were they turning blue or was it my imagination?

"Please, allow me Kaoru-dono."

Startled, I looked up and to my surprise found Kenshin gallantly offering his arm to escort me.

Blushing, I allowed my icy fingers to rest on his arm, certain he would jerk back from the frigidity. But when he made no move to do so or even question why my hands were so cold in the scorching summer heat, I let my body relax as the heat flooded back into me from that briefest of contacts.

"We must hurry Kaoru-dono, I believe they are leaving us behind." He smiled gently at me and I can only nod dumbly as I hitched my kimono upwards a bit to free my legs for a faster pace.

As Kenshin laughed and told me of Ayame's and Suzame's exuberance, I couldn't help but laugh back, forgetting about the chill that had seized my body.

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"Kaoru-chan! Kaoru-chan! Look what I found!"

"Yeah, Kaoru, look what we found!"

Smiling indulgently at the little girls, I knelt down in the sand and looked at their treasures. The girls had been harrying up and down the beach ever since we had arrived in search for seashells. Apparently Kenshin had told them a fabulous tale of buried treasure underneath the shifting sands. He had stooped low as he spun his story to an appreciative audience, brushing at the sand at his feet. He had finished the story by holding up the most perfectly shaped seashell I had ever seen. The girls had squealed and run down the beach in search for more treasure and my rurouni stood and walked towards me.

He cradled the object in his hand. He reached my side and looked up. He held up his "treasure" for me to observe. The shell was a powdery blue, its twist and turns deepening into a more distinguished indigo. It was beautiful. Kenshin had somehow managed to string the object on a thin cord and he presented it to me now.

Touched, I looked up and allowed him to tie the cord around my neck.

"It matches your eyes that it does." He whispered in my ear.

Flustered by his words, I let my fingers brush across the shell's textured exterior. "How…?"

He held up a needle and some of the cord he had used. "It was nothing."

Mesmerized, I could've sworn that Kenshin was leaning towards me. I never noticed how soft his lips looked before…

"Would you two stop making googly eyes at each other? The food's getting cold!"

I wanted to scream. Damn that Yahiko!

Kenshin just gestured for me to precede him. Blushing, I moved past him to take a seat at the blanket that Megumi had spread out for our picnic. As it was, the food was already rapidly disappearing as Dr. Genzai called his granddaughters over for our late lunch.

I knew I kept sneaking glances at Kenshin, I just couldn't help myself. I blame him entirely. The man was just begging to be stared at, with that long red hair, those sculpted cheekbones…

I really have to stop thinking like this or I'm not going to last a day without…

Ugh! There I go again! I had to physically restrain myself, lest I suddenly hit my head with own shinai.

"Kenshin do you want the last pickle?"

"By all means Kaoru-dono, you should have it, if you want it." Kenshin pushed the bowl towards me, his eyes solemn.

Twirling a strand of hair on one finger, I peered at him, "Okay, if you're sure…"

"Of course I am." Firmly, he nudged the bowl in my direction again.

Studying his face closely, I plucked a pickled radish from the bowl, nibbling daintily on it. The thought suddenly struck me that something must be bothering him. I hadn't seen him smile since we had arrived at the beach.

"Are you alright Kenshin?"

Looking startled, Kenshin tore his attention from Megumi-san who was pressing her body scandalously close to him, "Oro? Of course sessha is alright Kaoru-dono. You must not worry."

Usually my rurouni would try to reassure me with that blinding smile of his, laugh and shrug off my concern. I didn't get any of that this time. This time, he sat there looking at me with not a glimmer of amusement in his eyes. Had those eyes not been a deep purple at that moment, I would've wondered if I was talking to Himura Kenshin or his alter-ego, the Hitokiri Battousai.

Megumi-san drew his attention back to herself and I watched Kenshin very closely. Once again, in this very situation, Kenshin would usually laugh, blush and do everything in his power to deflect Megumi's attention away from himself without being rude. I often thought that he should just tell the scheming kitsune to take a hike, but Kenshin was far too gentlemanly to do such a thing as turn a lady down. But as I watched him, not a flicker of amusement crossed his features. Not one flushed "oro". Nothing.

Inching closer to Yahiko, I kept my voice low. "Yahiko, is something the matter with Kenshin?"

Yahiko turned, first looking at me then looking at Kenshin, "Uh, no. What do you mean busu?"

For once I let the comment slide, there were other more pressing things at the moment, "I haven't seen him smile or laugh all afternoon."

Yahiko blinked. He looked at Kenshin, then looked me. He blinked again and looked back at Kenshin again. "What are you talking about busu? He's laughing right now."

Startled, I looked back at Kenshin. He was sitting there with the same quiet seriousness as before. "What? Right now?"

Yahiko nodded slowly, "Yeah…hey Kaoru, are you feeling alright?"

It was the second time someone had asked me that and frankly I was beginning to doubt that I was alright. Nodding mutely, I sat back and stared at Kenshin.

What was wrong with me?

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The day had been filled with light banter and laughter, but the one sound that I wanted to hear had been denied me. I had asked Sanosuke and Megumi if they had heard Kenshin laugh, just in case Yahiko was just messing with my head. They gave me the oddest looks, like I had finally climbed a tree and started swinging from it.

I hadn't realized how much I wanted, no needed to hear Kenshin's laughter until it was taken away from. I felt cold again. But this time, no touch or look from my rurouni could melt through the ice.

I sat by the water's edge, letting the waves lap at my toes. We had spent the entire afternoon at the beach. The girls had worn themselves out and were now dozing on the rapidly cooling sand. Yahiko and Sanosuke had been skipping stones across the water, each trying to outdo the other in number of skips.

As Sanosuke sent a pebble dancing across the water, I kept my gaze focused on the rippling waves, streaks of red and gold dancing across the rolling water. Unbidden, thoughts of silken red hair across my pillow and flashing golden eyes surged in my mind's eye. Emulating the rippling of the sun's rays on the chilly sea, the hair brushed against a marred cheek. Stifling a gasp, I forced my eyes open.

Kenshin was sitting next to me. Had I been so preoccupied by my thoughts that I hadn't noticed him?

Like in my imagination, tendrils of red swept past one shoulder and curled on his face. He looked thoughtful.

"Has sessha done something to anger you Kaoru-dono?"

He spoke so quietly that I barely heard him over the crashing of the waves. "What? No Kenshin, I just…I…"

I think I'm going insane. I feel cold in the height of summer, everyone has seen you laughing and smiling except for me. I think I've finally cracked. Think Soujirou Seta wants some company on his travels?

"You haven't done anything wrong Kenshin."

"Ano, sessha is just worried. You don't seem to be enjoying yourself very much Kaoru-dono." He certainly did look worried. That was one thing I think Kenshin and I had in common, we were world-class worry-warts. Ain't no-one who could out-worry the two of us when we put our minds to it.

"I'm fine Kenshin." How many times have I said that today? "Really, there isn't anything for you to worry about…I just…"

"Yes?"

Is it just me or did Kenshin's eyes suddenly look like swirling pools of molten gems? Oh Kami-sama help me, I was getting poetic.

"I just…"

Why did looking into his eyes conjure images of twisting limbs and balmy nights? Speaking of which, when did I get so…so…adult in my thoughts?

"I just want you to smile at me again."

Kenshin blinked then slowly, like a sun rising after a stormy night, he smiled; that sweet smile that was all goodness, all light. I wanted to throw my arms around him and never let go.

It was as if something had taken over my body and right after thinking it, my arms were wrapping around his neck. I could feel him oro-ing against my neck and felt a blush rise up in my cheeks.

Just as quickly I let go of him, brushing the sand from my kimono.

"The others!"

"The others?" He looked puzzled and disorientated. That's my sweet Kenshin.

"Yes, the others, they're leaving us behind."

Kenshin turned and watched as Dr. Genzai packed his granddaughters up and Megumi and Sano argued. "So they are."

He stood in one graceful motion. "We must be going to, that we must."

While I was still admiring his grace, his hand found my own. Surprised, I looked down to find that Kenshin had taken hold of my hand.

I wasn't going to start complaining about that, that's for sure!

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It had been such an odd day; I hardly knew what to think. Languorously running a brush through my hair, I found myself thinking once again.

Kenshin had not relinquished his hold on my hand until we were well on the road home. Since he seemed to have taken it in stride, there was no way that I was going to ruin it by doing something so immature as call attention to the simple gesture of affection. Though I had to admit that flaunting the hand-holding in front of Megumi was a tempting prospect, but I reigned in my childishness.

I could be an adult too.

Kenshin's thumb had brushed briefly over my fingers before he let go of my hand and for a moment I wondered how he would react if I grabbed hold of him again.

Deciding to spare him and myself the embarrassment, I kept my treacherous hand tucked firmly in the sleeve of my kimono until we got home.

When we arrived, Kenshin had packed away our picnic things, ushering Yahiko off to bed despite the boy's protests. He had made a pot of tea and invited Sano to sit.

The night had brought a welcome change in temperature, at least Kenshin said so. I had been feeling chilled on and off the whole day, so the more temperate and natural change in temperature wasn't anything to get excited over.

Sanosuke had soon excused himself; he said he had to meet an old friend. We knew that he gone to gamble.

Kenshin had waved Sanosuke off and turned to me. He suggested that we go to bed.

I had been so flustered, preoccupied with thoughts of Kenshin, me and the bed that I hadn't noticed that Kenshin had already walked into the house, leaving me alone with my less then pure thoughts. Mou.

Now I sat brushing my hair. In my room. Alone. Mou! Damn that Kenshin, why did he have to be so dense?

"Ouch!" In the ferocity of my thoughts, I hadn't noticed that I had managed to pull several strands of hair from my now stinging scalp. Sighing, I laid the brush down.

Crawling towards my futon in the dark, I stilled as I heard footsteps right outside my door. Freezing on the spot, I kept very still. The footsteps had also stilled as if sensing my attention. After a moment, the footsteps continued down the hall. Cautiously, I crawled towards my door.

Trying to keep as quiet as possible, I slid the door open and peered out. I was just in time to see a spiky head disappear down the steps.

Yahiko?

What was that brat doing out of bed at this time of night?

Inching forward, I stealthily followed him.

Yahiko paused at the front door. I finally caught sight of him. He was fully dressed and had his shinai strapped to his back. Not wanting to be seen, I hung back and watched him as he pulled on his shoes. Where in the world did he think he was going?

Stepping out of the shadows just as Yahiko reached the front gate, I called his name.

Jumping guiltily, Yahiko spun around, his hands in the air.

"Yahiko-chan! Where do you think you're going?"

He remained silent, shaking his head and waving his hands.

"Yahiko do you realize what time it is? A boy your age should be in bed, not defying their assistant masters!"

Still he didn't say a word, just shook his head. He pointed towards the gate, he looked upset.

Why in the world didn't he speak? "Yahiko, where are you going? Answer me!"

"Demo Kaoru-dono, Yahiko has been doing his best to explain, that he has."

Damn it! How many times is this guy going to sneak up on me today? Spinning around, I saw Kenshin had followed us. He was in his sleeping yukuta, his hair messy from being hastily tied back up again. Sometimes I just wanted him to leave that gorgeous hair of his alone. It really was wonderful, lying on his shoulders in silken disarray…

Oh right, track, must get back on it.

"What are you talking about Kenshin? He's just standing there, defying his assistant master by not explaining where he's going! Bad enough that he's sneaking out, but disrespecting me by not answering my questions! Mou!" I knew I looked just a tad childish with that foot stamp, but damn it I wanted to emphasize a point.

Kenshin and Yahiko were exchanging looks again. Why did people keep doing that today?

"Kaoru-dono, did you not hear Yahiko? He explained that he forgot to drop something off at the Akabeko that Tae-san said she needed urgently in the morning. He was just going to complete his errand." Kenshin had that worried gleam in his eyes again.

Yahiko had his arms crossed over his chest and was glaring at me.

What…? I couldn't…

A lazy summer afternoon, sitting on the porch with mochi and tea…

_I wish summer never existed_.

Bitter cold racking my body as everyone sweated in the heat.

_I wish he'd stop smiling like that._

What are you talking about busu? He's laughing right now…

_I wish Yahiko would just stop talking!_

Oh no…it couldn't be. Seta? Think I can tag along with you now?

Stumbling backwards from a confused Kenshin and an irritated Yahiko, my mind was in a spin. Could it be? But they were just thoughts! Harmless, thoughtless thinking. I didn't even say them out loud.

Yahiko had thrown his hands up in frustration. He was looking at Kenshin and the rurouni nodded before Yahiko stomped out of the gate. I was left with Kenshin. Well Kenshin and my oh so confused brain that is.

Kenshin turned to me, his handsome face marred by a frown, "Kaoru-dono, I think you should lie down, that I do."

"I…I think you're right Kenshin."

I allowed him to take me by the elbow, but somehow my feet didn't want to move. I heard a rustle of clothing and all of a sudden I was in his arms. He was carrying me to my room. I think I've blushed too much today, now my blushing was all worn out and I couldn't summon any heat to my abused cheeks tonight; even if Kenshin held me in his strong arms.

He laid me down on my futon, tucking the covers up to my chin. It was like tucking a child into bed. He pressed a chaste kiss on my forehead. Wordlessly, I grabbed hold of his hand.

"Kenshin. Will you…"

Without needing me to say the words he turned back and sat down beside me.

"Kenshin I need…." I sat up.

Again, as if he had a direct link to my brain, Kenshin wordlessly opened his arms and let me climb into them.

"Kenshin…"

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I don't know when I fell asleep. I don't remember being moved back to my futon. But the next morning I woke up in my own bed without a sign of my rurouni.

Had I been dreaming?

Shaking my head I got up and dressed.

The tantalizing smell of miso soup drifted delicately under my nostrils. I could feel my stomach rumbling. Tentatively making my way down stairs, I followed my nose to the kitchen.

Was I imagining the tenderness in his eyes last night? Did I only dream that he held me tight?

"Good morning Kaoru-dono. Did you sleep well?"

"Yes…thank you Kenshin." He smiled at me.

"Breakfast will be ready soon, that it will."

"Thank you Kenshin." Couldn't I think of anything better to say? "Can I help?"

He laughed, "Oh no Kaoru-dono. Sessha has everything under control."

Translation: Stay the hell out of my kitchen, you destroyer of all good food. I knew when to back down.

"Kenshin, about last night…"

"Kaoru-dono was most tired, that you were. You need not worry." There it was again, that look, the same as last night. Putting his spoon down, he came over and touched my cheek, "You will be fine Kaoru."

He turned and went back to his cooking. I felt like I had been slapped, but in a good way. My cheek tingled and my head spun.

Kenshin suddenly yelped as the cat made its daily appearance. Amidst their struggle, the candle that Kenshin had on the counter flew towards me.

Panicked, I spun, narrowly missing the heat of the candle's flame as it rushed past my cheek.

Ouch! Slapping a hand to my ear, I looked down. I could've sworn I saw something dart out of sight. It resembled a frog in appearance, but as it stared up at me behind a beaked visage, I saw mischievous eyes sparkling at me before it disappeared.

Was that a…

"Kaoru-dono! Are you alright? Sessha did not mean to throw that candle at you!" Kenshin was gripping my shoulders as he peered anxiously at me.

Mou. We're back to the "dono" are we? I really wished…

"I'm fine Kenshin, it wasn't your fault."

"But sessha…"

I caught hold of his wrists, and looked into his eyes, willing him to calm down. "I said I'm fine. See, not a burn."

Anxiously he peered at my face, his thumb running over my cheek. I felt heat rise up to suffuse my face again. This was a wholly different kind of burning…

He sighed, "Sessha would feel much better if you would sit down at the table Kaoru-dono. Away from the hazards of the kitchen ne?"

I laughed, "Alright Kenshin."

Inching over to the doorway, I watched him work. There were many things I wished for, but maybe I didn't have very long to wait anymore.

Fin

AN: How was it? Good? Bad? To those reading my other fic, don't worry, still working along with it. But this contest just grabbed hold of me and I've been dying to write something about Rurouni Kenshin. Perhaps my next long epic will be about that anime. We shall see…

By the way for those who were curious, the frog thing that jumped out of Kaoru was loosely based on a Japanese mythical creature called a Kappa, usually water sprites who are essentially trouble-makers. Like I said _loosely_ based.

Well - hope you enjoyed this pointless bit of fluff.


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